I CAN’T GET MY NOSE SCREW OUT. I HAVE READ EVERY INTERNET TUTORIAL AND IT REFUSES TO COME OUT, OH MY GOD MY NOSE HURTS. MY MOM EVEN TRIED AND SHE COULDN’T DO IT, AND MOMS CAN DO ANYTHING UGH COME OUT COME OUT COME OUT, I WILL HAVE THIS STUD IN FOREVER, ALL I WANTED WAS TO PUT IN A CLAIRE’S FLOWER STUD, GOD I’M SORRY I WENT INTO CLAIRE’S I’LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN....
I wanted to be an artist, but my momma said “you have to be either dead,...– Our hilarious pest control guy, who gave me even more awesome advice.
Adventures in Spell Check
Spell Check: Did you mean Penitence?
Alexis: No. Shit, um how about this? Ahqunahitanence
Spell Check: What. The. Fuck. That is even worse than before. No Suggestions.
Alexis: Man, help me out here. It's like a person that you know, but not very well? Like a step below facebook friends?
Spell Check: Do I look like a fucking dictionary to you? Sound it out.
Alexis: Spelling is fucking hard okay? And you aren't helping, I don't want impertinence, I want.....aqhuianitehnce.
Spell Check: You are actually the worst. Who taught you to spell? That looks like you vomited up some letters and called it a word. Or, like Norse. Do you want Norwegian? Maybe I can help you out if you switch your settings over to Norwegian.
Alexis: I don't want Norweigen, I want aquaintence!
Spell Check: Do you mean acquaintance?
Alexis: YES. You are infuriting.
Spell Check: Do you mean infuriating?
August 27 - LEARN SOMETHING EVERY DAY →
The more you know.
How To Talk Dirty: 50 Examples That’ll Make You... →
I understand that dirty talk, done correctly, can be super hot. But halfway down the list of 50 dirty talk phrases, I had to stop reading because the exclamation points were too much for me. They took them from “somewhat hot” to “hilariously awful, if any one ever calls me a ‘naughty girl’ I will die laughing.”
I Could Do A Show Called (Wo)Man Vs. Mild
It would be me battling the forces of nature that appear in everyday life. What do you do if it’s raining and you have no umbrella?! How can you fashion a blanket out of newspaper when the temperature drops quickly?! How can you get restaurants to give you free drinks when it’s super hot outside!? How to create enough shade for you and one other person, out of stuff in your bag! This...
The Tea Party Guide to DC - Google Maps →
The Tea Party is coming back to DC, and Laura Orlin created this handy map of the safe and not-safe parts of the city. I live smack dab in the non-safe zone, so hopefully some teabagger won’t yell at me this time.
I skipped my French class to go to the gym. This is what my life has become. I blame it on the boxes. There are at least 100, and I think they are multiplying in the night. They have migrated onto the porch (Why are they there? There is nothing to pack on the porch! It is all inside!), and I think they are planning something. And because I skipped French to go to the gym, when I came home, I...
Slashdot News Story | First 3-D IMAX Porn Movie... →
Normal 3-D movies stress me out, and the glasses give me a headache, so adding porn into the mix is a surefire way of seeing my “slumber as defense mechanism” in action. Just thinking about this makes me want to lie down and sleep till it’s over.
Slashdot Idle Story | China's Nine-Day Traffic Jam... →
Oh God this sounds awful. I hate waiting at red lights, and stop signs, I can’t even imagine this.
This was supposed to be a drunk post
But I was tired, so I went to be instead. Oops? Drinking with tour guides is always the best, and I’m pretty sure some really tall kid (Sean? Was his name Sean?) taught me the West Coast Swing. That is not a euphemism. There was this (awesome) Korean kid who served in the bad-ass branch of the Korean army, and we had a long conversation about memes that are popular in Korea and not in...
You Know What's Not A Good Idea?
Doing 100 hip adductions at the gym because it seemed like a good idea. OwOwOOOOOW my legs. My mom laughed at me cause I’m walking like a cripple, and she didn’t even say sorry. I told her I was going to laugh at her when she was old and infirm, and she said “you probably will” and then laughed at me again. And I’m going back tomorrow because I hate myself, but also...
Backstreet Boys & New Kids on the Block Touring... →
I would go to this, but I hate that NKOTB “Summertime” song SO MUCH. I don’t know if the BSB are enough to make me sit through their set.
How Long Did I Spend Reading About Members of the...
Too long. Part of me wishes I were a Mitford or a Kennedy, but I haven’t decided if dying tragically, young and somewhat renowned, is worth it.
Love Affair with Office Supplies
I am love with folding bones. I had to fold 1000 newsletters (I had help), and it saved my life/my fingertips. I do not need one for everyday life, but I am contemplating purchasing a small one and then getting back into Origami. This is most privileged idea I’ve had all summer, and I am including the contemplation of purchasing multiple pairs of rain boots in different colors, so I would...
Things I Did This Week
Here is a list of things I did! But only for this week, and only the things that make me seem cool/ neurotic in a sexy way, and during the times when I was not on the internet. Baked a blueberry pie. It had ginger and lime juice, and it was fucking delicious Getting tipsy in Capitol Hill, and then standing on the roof, surrounded by Asian dudes, looking at this amazing view of downtown. ...
The Luxury Spot » FEATURES » Vatooing Your Vagina... →
This is something that exists. Why? Also, any portmanteau involving the word “vagina” is destined to fail.
Sen. Lautenberg, 86, Is A Big Lady Gaga Fan : NPR →
Man, Politicians are real people too! Real awesome people, that is. If I had representation in Congress, which I don’t, I could only hope my Senator would be as fly as Sen. Lautenberg.
I saw Stevie Wonder! I have no idea what the fuck he was doing at the event, but he was like 20 ft away from me. I tried to take a cellphone picture, but it was too dark. Today was a day of minority stereotypes being perpetuated in the most hilarious of ways. and BREAKING! Not all black people can dance/have rhythm! This was learned the hard way.
An Explanation of CPT
Press Lady: So, do you know when this event is going to start?
Me: Uh, this sheet of paper says three.
PL: Do you think it will start exactly at three?
Me: No. Not at all.
PL: .....So when do you think it will start?
Me: After three? Three-esque?
PL: Three-esque. You can't give me an estimate?
Me: Before four. We have to be out of here by seven, so definitely way before then.
PL: But I can't get a start time is what you're saying.
Me: No. But I can get you a bottle of water instead!
Lindsay Lohan Hearts the Cato Institute | The... →
Maybe LiLo’s a little smarter than we all gave her credit for.
Who's accomplished? This Kid.
I baked bread, cause I am awesome. There may have been a midnight Flour Emergency that involved me almost running into a cat, parking in the sketchiest alley I’ve ever seen in a white people neighborhood (which is to say, it was not very sketch at all. The alley behind my house is creepier, but it was 11:30, I couldn’t find parking, had no license with me, had almost hit drunk...
'Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night': Thriller... →
fuckyeah-michaeljackson: You know you’ve made it when your song and video have been referenced on television shows like “South Park” and “The Simpsons,” and when your dance moves have been parodied by the likes of Christopher Walken and ballroom professionals on “Dancing With the Stars.” So, it’s just icing on the cake when the Library of Congress decides to preserve for all time a work of...
Look a lady! Being hot and singing a hot song. Now I want to buy a ridiculous leotard. And some hot ass shoes.
Sometimes you don’t want to love the person you love you turn your face away...– Grace Paley (via cafedumonstre)
Still Can't Turn My Brain Off.
So I had to do a piece of “creative” writing about DC, for the Job I’m Not Talking About, and it gave me a lot of trouble. Which was incredibly confusing at first. I love DC and generally, I have lots to say about things I like. Anyone who has ever tried to talk to me about Serious Things when I was drunk has likely realized this. Yet, here I was, tasked to write a poem about DC,...
When did we get all these grown-up problems? When did we get such grown-up friends?
I want this ring. →
I also want the ones shaped like swords. In case you still weren’t sure what to get me for my birthday.