My Top Three Bullshit Holidays:

1) Columbus Day. Do I need to explain this? Don’t make me explain this. My grandfather was named after Christopher Columbus, and one of the worst conversations of my life was trying to explain to him why Columbus shouldn’t be considered a “national hero.” The Worst! The only good thing about Columbus day is that we had the day off of school. 

2) Thanksgiving. Sorry. I love family and togetherness and eating, but not when we have gathered to celebrate the start of the systematic destruction and oppression of the indigenous peoples of North America. Also, I hate turkey. 

3) Kwanzaa. Kwanzaa isn’t real! This is a fake holiday! I am still mad at the kid who asked me if I was “Kwanzaan” and if that meant I didn’t believe in God. I should have said yes, and that we sacrificed a white person to our pagan black nationalist Muslim gods, every night, Harambe! But I didn’t. My mom made us celebrate it so we could “keep in touch with our culture,” but it’s so faaaaake and it claims to represent “authentic African culture,” which, NO. NO CONTINENT HAS ONE AUTHENTIC CULTURE, THAT IS NOT HOW CULTURE OR CONTINENTS WORK. AFRICA IS SO FUCKING DIVERSE IT IS CRAZY. A SEVEN DAY FAKEFAKEFAKE HOLIDAY CANNOT EVEN COME CLOSE TO EXPLORING THE RICHNESS OF THIS CONTINENT. Ugh. Kente Cloth is also native to Ghana and the Ivory Coast and last I checked, Ghana and the Ivory Coast were not all of Africa. And I look dumb in kente cloth too.

We no longer celebrate Kwanzaa, thank God, but I still want to bring our Kinara (rhymes with menorah, sort of) to school so I have more opportunities to talk about why I hate Kwanzaa. 

Anyway, Happy Columbus Day!